Diffusing interpersonal conflict: Helpful wisdom
Have you ever been in a workplace situation in which a conversation starts to feel heated…or high friction?
If you’ve been in these situations recently, particularly as an expert in your field, know that you’re not alone. Consider the following scenario as an example. Does it sound familiar?
Sarah and Joe are collaborators on a scientific project. Both are highly skilled leaders with strong perspectives for how the project should run. These two individuals, having known each other since college, possess a high degree of respect for one another—with a long track record as professional partners who deliver on-target outcomes, consistently
Let’s say that the decision they are navigating is an engineering challenge in the energy sector, in which there is a lot of innovation taking place. Sarah and Joe are process controls experts who are evaluating project safety in a hydrogen plant. There’s a need for one engineering technique for a specific initiative; however, both have radically opposite viewpoints for what the best path forward entails. In their industry, there is not a clear precedent for how to navigate that decision. Without a clear path forward, the deliberation is getting heated, with the two being at an impasse. The dynamic has become a source of discontent, negativity, and burnout for the entire team.
The stakes are also high due to the understandable public safety impacts, deadlines, and milestones to strive towards
The challenge that Sarah and Joe are navigating may be technical, but ultimately, the path forward will depend on overcoming the friction that is happening in their communication. Both Sarah and Joe, top practitioners in their field who were science lab partners as undergraduates, are beginning to think of each other as “difficult” or “judgmental.” With the project being on a tight timeline, is it essential that the two collaborators (and experts) come to alignment quickly.
Both Sarah and Joe are working parents whose time is in high demand at work and at home. How, as colleagues, can they improve their communication to shift the dynamic of their situation from negative to positive—to make progress as role models and leaders while ensuring that overall team morale remains high? Most importantly, how can the two protect the valuable relationship that they share as colleagues and collaborators?
Remember: You’re on the same team, working towards a common goal
Prioritize conflict resolution as the end goal. The problem isn’t about Sarah vs. Joe. It’s about public safety—and the very challenging set of circumstances that everyone is navigating
Katie Shonk, editor of the Negotiations Briefings newsletter at Harvard Law School, recently wrote about the need to “overcome an ‘us versus them’ mentality,” in a May 2024 article.
“Begin your conflict management efforts by highlighting your common goal of reaching a fair and sustainable agreement,” she recommends. “Try to identify and discuss points of similarity between you, such as growing up in the same region. The more points of connection you can identify, the more collaborative and productive your conflict resolution process is likely to be.”
In this particular situation, Sarah and Joemay benefit from focusing on the following:
The overarching desire to keep the public safe
The recognition that they are both taking on a tough challenge
The mutual self-awareness that both individuals’ time is in high demand both at work and at home
The shared experience, as scientific leaders, that friction is often a part of the journey towards a successful collaborative outcome
Sarah and Amanda are both highly credible professionals whose expertise, together, is invaluable for solving the problem that they are navigating. The problem is not each other. It’s the dangerous situation that they are striving to protect.
Take space to pause and reflect: Learn to be less reactive
Even in fast-paced situations, it’s okay to take a break to reflect. Sometimes, it does more harm than good to keep pushing through a challenge. One of the most valuable skills for anyone to build is to establish the right balance of patience and pushing.
The art and philosophy of this practice are timeless.
Various schools of philosophy teach the importance of pausing and reflecting. As one example to referenceStoic philosophers have discussed the practice of increasing the distance between perception and reaction. This technique is helpful for managing emotions—to be less reactive to a situation.
“Our perceptions profoundly shape our reality, molding our experiences, choices, and interactions with the world,” writes Erick Cloward of the Stoic Coffee Break podcast.
When under the pressures of commercial or economic constraints, it can be challenging to translate this theory into practice. The Wisdom & Wellbeing program at the University of Virginia has published a framework called STOP (Stop, take a few breaths, observation, and proceed with awareness) as a practical mindfulness toolkit to improve self-regulation.
“For example, if someone interrupts us we may immediately react feeling that they were rude, and we may say something in return that is aggressive or unkind,” writes UVAHealth.
“However, if we pause for a moment and notice that we’re feeling upset, we can then consider why the other person may have acted as they did, and then decide what the best response might be. It might be the same as if we hadn’t paused, but it also might be different. At least our response was a choice, not an automatic reaction.”
Without reacting, it becomes possible to look beyond the self to ponder what the other person is trying to say.
Sarah and Joe, both respected intellectuals whose time is in high demand, may benefit from feeling rested as a technique to reduce frustration. With rested minds and clarity of thought, it becomes easier to take steps towards a path forward.
Recognize the connection between positive working styles and successful outcomes
Envisioning this connection starts with questioning our assumptions about the patterns we see at face value—and take for granted—from our leaders and institutions
It’s easy to forget sometimes: negatively rarely needs to winning—especially at work.
Remember that as individuals, we have self-organized into a broader society and civilization. Throughout history, people have always found their way to groups for survival and prosperity. These days in our current moment in history, negativity has become both an acceptable and default mode of solving problems. In other words, negativity has been “normalized.”
As individuals who are a part of the broader context of human civilization, it can be easy for us to forget how to bring a positive, constructive attitude to a situation.
One resource to consult, to understand this pattern, is the Edelman Trust Barometer. Every year, Edelman, a highly respected public relations (PR) firm that studies the media, prepares an analysis of the most prevalent trends in our communications landscape. The examination spans 28 countries around the world. You can read more about the methodology here.
"Innovation is accelerating and should be a growth enabler, but it will be stymied if business doesn't pay as much attention to acceptance as it does research and development," said Richard Edelman, CEO of Edelman.
"More than two-thirds of our respondents who say innovation is poorly managed believe society is changing too quickly and not in ways that benefit 'people like me' (69 percent). The mass-class divide, the huge imbalance in trust between business and government and the infodemic have been the forces behind the decline in trust and the rise of polarization. Fear of innovation has now become the fourth log on the populism fire.”
The stakes and standards for innovation success are very high right now—positive thinking is our practical toolkit how we take a step back
Imagine all of the industries that need to be innovating right now. Put short, it’s all of the sectors that underscore our modern way of life. It’s healthcare, education, and of course—the energy sector in which Sarah and Joe are working closely together.
A lot of studies have been published about communication best practices in these high-stakes industries. It’s valuable to take a step back for a higher level of understanding. What can innovators in the energy sector learn from innovators in the healthcare industry, as an example?
The biopharma industry is one sector that’s known for innovation due to the need for therapeutics such as medications, medical devices, and other technologies that protect human life and help people manage illnesses.
With respect to the North American healthcare system, pharmacists are often the gatekeepers between the prescribers of therapeutics and the people who benefit from treatments. In the years following the COVID-19 pandemic, pharmacists are feeling burned out, detached, and emotionally exhausted.
It’s not just pharmacists, either. These days, burnout has been prevalent across the entire workforce.
According to Gallup, a polling organization that studies workplace engagement trends, ‘”about three in four employees in the U.S. experience workplace burnout at least sometimes—and about one in four experience burnout either ‘very often’ or ‘always.’”
Maybe Sarah and Joe, both leaders with rare expertise, are feeling burned out given the fast work pace they are navigating in addition to the responsibilities they are managing at home. They would certainly not be alone. Maybe they aren’t self-aware of their own burnout.
Sometimes, we have no choice but to remember that we truly are on the same team, and we need to move forward. It’s critical to return to this foundational basis of understanding.
How are we talking to each other?
No matter what industry in which we work—our job titles, roles, etc., we need to remember that we are all human beings.
One qualitative research study, published in the American Journal of Pharmaceutical Education in 2023, found a correlation between “reassurance of worth” and burnout reduction.
“Supportive feedback is a powerful deterrent to burnout,” explains the study’s authors.
“There were also similarities between the dimension of empathetic language and the social provision of reassurance of worth. Participants preferred empathetic language to be practical. They experienced reassurance of worth when supervisors and colleagues asked them to contribute, or collaborate, or checked in with them on projects. As participant 2 put it, ‘For me, it’s not about kind of coming and telling me, ‘you’re so great’ but the fact that they reach out to me and say, ‘hey, this might be good for you.’”
Perhaps conflict and frustration are symptoms of something else going on. Consider one statement from a participant in the study referenced above:
“The people I’m closest to and know well are the people that, like, check in on you now again: ‘is everything okay?’”
When was the last time that Joe and Sarah checked up on each other?
Listen to the other person’s perspective
The two decided to have a very candid conversation about their frustrations.
Joe simply asked, “What’s going on, Sarah?”
After Joe learned that Sarah’s daughter, someone who he has seen grow up, was navigating a diagnosis of a serious medical condition, the broader context game into better focus. As much as Sarah wanted to take time off to provide support to her family, she simply couldn’t. She was one of 10 women in her field possessing a particular certification that is critical to process safety safety in the energy sector
Joe, who recently overcame a COVID-19 diagnosis, realized that, in being necessarily focused on his healing and wellbeing, he simply did not have the mental or emotional capacity to be there for Sarah, a colleague, longtime friend, and colleague who he values and cares about highly, to understand what has been happening in her life lately. Sarah wondered why Joe did not care or ask about the situation sooner.
Both recognized a need to simply listen. Despite the commercial pressures of developing the ‘perfect’ engineering technique, it would be impossible to solve the problem with so much friction having entered the collaboration dynamic.
Conclusion
Joe and Sarah are fictional individuals. As realistic as the story above may seem—simply because the experience may be relatable—it was all made up for the purposes of storytelling and illustration. But we have to ask ourselves…how many of us are being called upon to solve tough problems? How many of us are doing so as parents providing family support? How many families are going through tough medical diagnoses.
It is in fiction that we can often best examine and understand our reality.
There have been a number of studies that demonstrate the connection between fiction and empathy-building. When we relate to the experiences of characters that we are following, we can identify patterns in ourselves.
Step one: We’re on the same team, focused on an objective that is external to you
Step two: Take a pause, it’s okay—we’re probably more burned out than we realize we are given everything going on
Step three: When it comes to healthy communication, remember that the small moments really do matter
Step four: Listening is an act of problem-solving—and leadership—in itself
You can’t predict where the outcome of collaboration will guide you. But across sectors ranging from healthcare to space exploration, collaboration is known to make outcomes more successful.
In trusting this foundational aspect of our humanity, we find ourselves on a better civilizational path. It starts with how we work together and treat each other interpersonally. We have to trust ourselves to figure it out—which starts with trusting each other and remembering why we are in this room together, in the first place.
What can we do, as individuals, to shift the dynamic?